Thoughts on belief and lack, written by Debora on 8/17/09

I wrote this following a conversation on "What is success," with Meridian, my sister.

Belief is the basis of all our "failings," our point A's. Our ego is rooted in our beliefs. It is very limited and controlling. It keeps us in a state of self professed safety.

"Belief creates reality," is the basis of why someone is "successful" and another is not. Success is not something that can be measured, such as money in the bank, a car, a house, or vacations. Success is a state of being, like freedom, a point B, a treasure or diamond.

My relationship with my possessions affects my sense of safety. So when I feel overwhelmed with "my stuff," it still is affecting my sense of safety, only in the opposite sense. It makes me feel out of control and not safe. And this is only my relationship with my belief about my stuff. It is not reality. So what do I want?

Peace, safety, freedom...

Suffering is our point A , our current reality. It is not an inevitable part of our life. It is only present because of our belief in suffering, lack, loss. My work is so stressful, I am not good enough, I don't deserve a loving relationship with a man. They always leave me.

What am I willing to receive? What are my expectations around relationship? That it will fix me, make me happy, feel loved.

In reality, in creative magic, I don't need fixed. I am a treasure to behold. I am happy, filled with joy and peace. I feel loved by all, the universe, my family, my friends.

Victim is my biggest and strongest belief in my self, the dangerous other, the fox within my cells. It is eating me alive, from the inside out. It has taken control of me for lifetimes. I am obsessed with a strong sense of lack. I am fearful of my accomplishments, my belief in what I can't do and what I am capable of. My successes. How is that possible? It is and feels so pathetic. To be a creative, wonderful and loving human being so drowned in a mire of self pity and self loathing.

This has to stop.
You know what you need to do.
You know how to change these thoughts that surround and control you.
They are not a dangerous other.
They are you, they are your beliefs about yourself.
They, at this point weigh more than your creative self.
Stop now, no more focus or energy given to these beliefs about lack.
Power point your new self, your diamond, your treasure within.

No more victim, only rainbows.

It's Your Life

Even, and maybe especially, the basics, bear repeating.
What if you choose to experience life directly, without beliefs to interpret it for you, without asking the popular question “What does this mean?" The minute you ask yourself the simple, naked question, “What do I want?” you begin to challenge your beliefs. Because most often, what you want far exceeds what your beliefs have led you to believe is possible. “I want to love unconditionally”…. Oh, well, I’ll never be able to do that, because I’m so insecure, and jealous, and possessive, and angry, and judgmental….
“No, I choose to love unconditionally. I intend for the rest of my life to love unconditionally”… so then you have put it out there that this is a new piece of you that you are creating. The old, fearful, depressed and angry pieces of you find this challenging, and offer up lots of resistance to this new piece. But you keep saying “I want and choose and intend to love unconditionally for the rest of my life” (and you stamp your foot), and it’s amazing how many feelings and emotions and fears and beliefs and disbeliefs arise in the face of such a simple declaration. It’s amazing how much courage it takes to stand firm in such an intention. You can no longer allow yourself to fall back into old behaviors, because you want this.
So, you acknowledge your fears and your doubt, and you ask for your larger, unconditional self to take hold. And you call upon your faith even if you don't have any. And you DO IT. Yes, it’s a slippery slope. Yes, it takes a while. Yes, it’s hard. No, it’s not comfortable. No, it’s not about remembering all the bad things that happened to you that made you so fearful, and depressed and angry. It’s about standing out there with no props and no assurances and saying “But I want to love unconditionally.” And nobody except YOU gives a rat’s ass whether you succeed or not. You are accountable only to yourself (read: God). So, if you cheat, and fall back into your self-importance, your fear, your depression, your anger, nobody even knows! Or cares. Except you (read: God). We have a Teacher because we want to create ourselves, we are devoted to this intention. and we have seeked and we have found. But it is UP TO US.
You have to go out on the biggest limb of your life. For the rest of your life. Period. If you want your life.

Something interesting happened on the way to the...

Twice now I have been on this site, on different days, & have been "flipped into" the Real Magic Studies home page. So this time I looked further & ran across the beautiful writing on "Letting go of Attachement." How appropriately it states why we are here to do this work, how it will benefit us in the "real world" & why we shouldn't ponder all this too much. Just do the work & enjoy the life we are creating! What fun!

Thoughts on transforming fear & self importance

I wrote this a couple days ago but didn't get it posted...

As I see it, the human ego is becoming more & more polarized, as is the planet. We, the human ego, as a collective thought form, are creating a more & total separation from God. We are running frightened, scurrying around trying to fix & analyze everything that presents itself to us. We are supporting all the current wars & battles on the planet with our thoughts of dangerous others. They are not like us, they must be killed or they will kill us. This perpetual (ego) war will never be won until we are one. One mind, one soul, one belief in the goodness of all mankind. One transmuted ego.

We have the potential to be a peaceful, gentle ego living on a healthy, prosperous , as in creative, planet. Our planet is in trouble. We can change this by changing ourselves. Transforming ourselves into the whole & beautiful beings we were intended to be. Let us all walk, in simplicity toward a new planet, created by newly tranformed human egos. The simplicity of super conscious thought is what we need to move toward... thinking in a new way!!! Real Magic 101.

We define ourselves by our disease, our limitations. We see this as real, as truth, because we feel the pain of it. What if our joy, our beauty, our Grace was real! Can we feel the truth in that?

My self importance comes up so often at work, at least I see it more clearly in that setting. It can be so busy & chaotic. I respond with my usual, safe form of "self importance," which comes across as anger & irritation, yes, petulance. I think & suggest out loud that it might be fixed this way or that & it is often misinterpreted as judgment & criticism. I can see myself in these moments, in hindsight, as egocentric in the ego jungle at work. Instead, by practicing silence & simplicity, as suggested in a recent reading by our teacher, thank you Sylvia, I can be in Grace, where my spirit can soar in love & cooperation. As I transform myself, I transform the world, one person at a time.

another post from planet wrong..

Like Meridian, I am also a girl from planet Wrong. I found her comments very comforting, since I tend to be either completely hard-ass or completely disregarding. Here’s to balance and a ‘softer way of living’. Thanks Meridian!

***

Considering Sylvia's questions re: fear, self-importance, and ego:

At the pool the other day, a little girl was getting a swimming lesson. She didn’t want to get in the water and told the teacher there were sharks in the pool. Now, this girl knew there were no sharks in the pool. But her fear was real to her and she wasn’t ready to get in the water. Was she was coming from a place of ego and self-importance? Seems like a heavy rap, I mean, she’s just a kid, forfucksake! I would say the ego is causing a little emotional distortionJ! I thought of this when considering if the ego is necessary, since it’s ‘job’ is to preserve the physical body, and human beings are not born with the ability to swim. But many kids will jump in the water with no drama, so who knows.

I have a fear of deep water also, having come close to drowning a couple times as a child. For a long time, I believed this fear was real and was self-important in my avoidance of the water. “I hate swimming!” Now I have the wisdom to move through the fear, and enjoy swimming very much. I still feel the fear in my body as physical tension, but it’s let go a lot. So I have the wisdom, and the ego is only causing discomfort and is not of service to me in this.

In our RM work, we are releasing the ego and transitioning to a life guided by spirit. It seems that when all humans do this, maybe ego will no longer be necessary for survival on earth. Cool.

Self-importance (Meridian)

I was talking with Sylvia the other day about my concern that I would need to be careful or I would find my self in self-importance during a 10 day training that I am soon to be taking. She said to me, in a very matter-of-fact way, that I would no doubt find myself there - in self-importance - and, "What could I do?", she kindly asked. Powerpoint!

This simple reminder helps me remember that I am human - it is in my nature to make mistakes (such as being in self-importance), but it is also (now that I know about RM studies) in my nature to change my feelings about them. I am one of the "girls from planet Wrong." I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to control my thoughts, my actions, my emotions - all I have to do is powerpoint and move on. Beating myself up about being in ego, yet once again (!), is senseless. It is more important to love my humanness and not worry about not getting 'it' right all the time. When I recognize my self-importance, I can look upon it with patience and kindness, powerpoint it and let it go - a much softer way to live.

In response to Sylvia's most recent questions asking us if fear is self-important and don't we need our ego here on earth...? My new immediate response when I feel fearful is to go to my heart. My heart is real; my fear is the illusion. If I allow my heart to guide me, (and I'm beginning to think this feels like safety) then I no longer need to control my world and my fear dissipates. My ego begins to align itself with my Soul instead of my self-importance.

Current thoughts these days as I navigate through this crazy world!

I've been writing on the new book Radical Light for hours. Here is a sample:
"Student: So“simple but not easy” is literally true. Could you elaborate on why it (transformation, enlightenment, truth consciousness, etc.) doesn’t happen this literally and easily?


Why doesn’t this happen easily? Because of human self-importance. A part of your own consciousness won’t allow it to happen easily. Your ego won’t let it, your ego is programmed to control everything in your existence and the very nature of The Great Work requires you to deliberately let go of control—let go of wanting to control anything. This brings up your fear and when your fear comes up you think it is real, therefore, you have resistance. Resistance happens in the place where the ego is in charge. This is the hardest part of the Work, releasing the ego. "


Question for students: So-when your fear comes up you think it is real. Why do I say that? Is thinking that your fear is real part of self-importance? Why should we release the ego? Isn't the ego necessary if humans are to survive on Earth?

self-importance

Self-importance

Well, I have to say, I put on lipstick to go to the bathroom, and it’s okay with me. I give it no importance, I just like it. Also my ass!

I was talking with Sylvia about how some recent emotional letting go had been a catalyst for me to get back into my music, and she said “ Why do humans always have to be in pain to be creative or do what they really want to do??? What self-importance!” Which was such a radical perspective on the cultural cliché of creativity, I asked her to say more about it. This is what she said:

“With the human victim mentality pain makes humans feel important. It takes a huge catalyst to move the ego to let go of its grip on negative attention and that catalyst is pain but we do the opposite of what we are supposed to do with it - we get attention when we are in pain and we are attention junkies so we become addicted to pain and love to embrace our pain and dramatize our pain - we become the star of our own pain/self-pity syndrome - and that is certainly a description of self-importance. We could just let go, of course. But the pain addiction keeps us holding on.

Pain is a catalyst that tells us that something is out of balance. But instead of focusing on the point B which will right the balance we focus on our addiction to the pain. We process the PAIN instead of letting go. Even Eckhart Tolle who is a spiritual teacher talks about processing pain - as if if we don't process it we can't be healed -- when in truth we could just let go of it. But we Hold On to it for dear life...o, my pain...it makes me feel real...it tells me I am really living...o how I suffer....and I have to suffer if I am going to be creative..so I nurture my pain...o my pain... all that stuff. It might be that human beings are such powerful in their addiction to pain that they will never be able to shift into wholeness.”

So I (Ditto) was thinking, what would a new, gratitude, impeccability and accountability-based creativity be like? For me, it would be being responsible to my Soul. And choosing to do all the things that feed my soul. If my soul is a singing soul, how arrogant it is of me to squelch my singing out of fear. How self-important it is to imagine that my shyness matters if what nourishes my soul and spirit is self-expression. How perverse it is to deny myself the vibrant beauty that I crave, because I’m skeered. To be creative, to dedicate myself to the creation of beauty and atmosphere, is to be accountable to Me. I'm so grateful to get to explore this now.

Self Importance (Valerie)

I read Sylvia’s post several times, and it greatly expands my idea what self-importance is. It is so pervasive, and seems to be the essential expression of the ego’s agenda of separation, fear and lack. What I am trying to wrap my head around is that the opposites of self-importance are gratitude, accountability and impeccability. To me it would seem to be trust, freedom and unity. Perhaps I am confusing what is the root quality or belief and how it plays out in our lives? Or maybe I’m not yet grasping the subtlety and broad range of self-importance’s expression? Is self-importance the same as arrogance?

I will look at my life and recognize areas of self-importance and indentify choice points. Here are a few:

1. Vanity: Why do I put on lipstick to go to the grocery store? Or check my ass in the mirror when I put on leggings? I have a lot of judgment of myself and others, and also a need to be different or special. Choice: Letting go of judgment and being true to myself. Letting go of separation.

2. Perfectionism and control, being self-conscious. (similar to #1, but with a more intense visceral fear factor) Fear of being the center of attention, speaking in public, and fear of improvisation. Choice: letting go of fear and choosing freedom.

3. Opinions: Getting indignant when reading the news. Getting all fired up about health care and thinking republicans are jack-asses and commentators do-nothing crybabies! Maybe here is where accountability comes in. Doing my part and not concerning myself with what others are doing? Choice: accountability?

4. Indignation over lousy tips and not receiving enough money for my work. Thinking it’s ‘all about me’, and taking things personally. Coming from a place of lack. Choice: gratitude

Here are a few that I’m not sure about, but threw in anyway:

5. Trying to control my boyfriend’s behavior, eating habits. It’s not just about my being concerned about his welfare. I’ve made his health a factor in my well being.

6. Acting like a child, laziness, not taking care of business. Having a ‘fuck it’ attitude or just avoiding things.

7. Communication: I’m not always accountable in my communication, but expect others to be. Answering emails, returning phone calls, etc.

Self-importance (Sylvia)

As I work on the new book: Radical Light, I find myself thinking about self-importance a lot. It seems to be the most unrecognizable place we carry in our consciousness. In editing the new book I find that I go over and over the concept of self-importance--what is it and how do we recognize it in ourselves. It is meaningless to have an intellectual grasp of what it is--if we cannot recognize it in ourselves and use it as a power point, we are not transmuting it. And the whole point of transformation is to transmute self-importance. So I am sharing some excerpts from the book hoping to begin a discussion of this difficult theme.....


"Student Question: “You mention self-importance a lot. I think I get it but just how do I recognize when I am being self-important? This is where I get mixed up.”
How do you recognize self-importance? Embarrassment, resentment, petulance (a particularly nasty and childish combination of anger and self-pity), feeling misunderstood and mistreated and blaming others for that, guilt and defensiveness, a feeling that you are not receiving what you are owed. These qualities are an indication that your ego-centered beliefs have been activated.
Self-importance has to do with your fear of being judged, your fear of being wrong, and your determination to prove that you are right. Think of all the weird stuff that you are capable of doing when you are embarrassed, resentful, and defensive. Practice giving yourself the freedom to be wrong. What if you were never afraid to be wrong? There is nothing you wouldn’t be willing to try or be able to accomplish. .
Self-importance is the opposite of gratitude. Self-importance means that you spend most of your life offended by others. Self-importance is characterized by self-righteous indignation, an attachment to being right, an inability let go of judgments, a constant inquisition into other people’s motives, and a constant interpretation of what motivates others. Self-importance is self-pity and a constant search for vindication and a constant compulsion to make others “wrong”so that you can be “right”. Self-importance is an exaggeration of natural human qualities, of the natural human interest in other humans. It is a very subtle and exaggerated narcissism.
The opposite of self-importance is accountability and impeccability. Accountability means you accept your responsibility for everything—the good and the bad—that you create. Impeccability does not mean that you are always right, it means that you are always true."