She who watches and she who is

Took a beautiful walk early this morning up through the hills just 10 minutes from my front door. It was cold, sunny, snowy and pleasantly vacant of other hikers. As I was walking I felt the silence, but also felt the distinct feeling that I was watching the silence and not living the silence. This feels like a consistently tricky area for me...so innately I slide into being a witness to my own life instead of being fully planted in it. I wonder how you dance in and out of presence?

Rainy Friday Morning

I think sometimes of thoughts I want to share but I'm driving or showering or walking in the woods. This time I was meditating - well, thinking a bit in between really excellent bits of focusing when I thought of a conversation I had with a client this morning where he said something about feeling angry at getting older. I found no connection.
Now I can change in a split second but in these moments for a while now I feel such acceptance that I couldn't connect with anger at that that simply is. I choose acceptance is one that I've noticed major resistance to at different times laughing when I realize that I LOVE living in acceptance. Little Bratly - otherwise known as my very own ego can make me forget some of the most obvious truths. I love how we don't know where and how the blessings from mantras will manifest in our lives.
So I'm really thankful that this blog is here and that I can feel a bit more connected with others practicing and learning and healing and growing and waking up.

Love~Aile

Thoughts on belief and lack, written by Debora on 8/17/09

I wrote this following a conversation on "What is success," with Meridian, my sister.

Belief is the basis of all our "failings," our point A's. Our ego is rooted in our beliefs. It is very limited and controlling. It keeps us in a state of self professed safety.

"Belief creates reality," is the basis of why someone is "successful" and another is not. Success is not something that can be measured, such as money in the bank, a car, a house, or vacations. Success is a state of being, like freedom, a point B, a treasure or diamond.

My relationship with my possessions affects my sense of safety. So when I feel overwhelmed with "my stuff," it still is affecting my sense of safety, only in the opposite sense. It makes me feel out of control and not safe. And this is only my relationship with my belief about my stuff. It is not reality. So what do I want?

Peace, safety, freedom...

Suffering is our point A , our current reality. It is not an inevitable part of our life. It is only present because of our belief in suffering, lack, loss. My work is so stressful, I am not good enough, I don't deserve a loving relationship with a man. They always leave me.

What am I willing to receive? What are my expectations around relationship? That it will fix me, make me happy, feel loved.

In reality, in creative magic, I don't need fixed. I am a treasure to behold. I am happy, filled with joy and peace. I feel loved by all, the universe, my family, my friends.

Victim is my biggest and strongest belief in my self, the dangerous other, the fox within my cells. It is eating me alive, from the inside out. It has taken control of me for lifetimes. I am obsessed with a strong sense of lack. I am fearful of my accomplishments, my belief in what I can't do and what I am capable of. My successes. How is that possible? It is and feels so pathetic. To be a creative, wonderful and loving human being so drowned in a mire of self pity and self loathing.

This has to stop.
You know what you need to do.
You know how to change these thoughts that surround and control you.
They are not a dangerous other.
They are you, they are your beliefs about yourself.
They, at this point weigh more than your creative self.
Stop now, no more focus or energy given to these beliefs about lack.
Power point your new self, your diamond, your treasure within.

No more victim, only rainbows.

It's Your Life

Even, and maybe especially, the basics, bear repeating.
What if you choose to experience life directly, without beliefs to interpret it for you, without asking the popular question “What does this mean?" The minute you ask yourself the simple, naked question, “What do I want?” you begin to challenge your beliefs. Because most often, what you want far exceeds what your beliefs have led you to believe is possible. “I want to love unconditionally”…. Oh, well, I’ll never be able to do that, because I’m so insecure, and jealous, and possessive, and angry, and judgmental….
“No, I choose to love unconditionally. I intend for the rest of my life to love unconditionally”… so then you have put it out there that this is a new piece of you that you are creating. The old, fearful, depressed and angry pieces of you find this challenging, and offer up lots of resistance to this new piece. But you keep saying “I want and choose and intend to love unconditionally for the rest of my life” (and you stamp your foot), and it’s amazing how many feelings and emotions and fears and beliefs and disbeliefs arise in the face of such a simple declaration. It’s amazing how much courage it takes to stand firm in such an intention. You can no longer allow yourself to fall back into old behaviors, because you want this.
So, you acknowledge your fears and your doubt, and you ask for your larger, unconditional self to take hold. And you call upon your faith even if you don't have any. And you DO IT. Yes, it’s a slippery slope. Yes, it takes a while. Yes, it’s hard. No, it’s not comfortable. No, it’s not about remembering all the bad things that happened to you that made you so fearful, and depressed and angry. It’s about standing out there with no props and no assurances and saying “But I want to love unconditionally.” And nobody except YOU gives a rat’s ass whether you succeed or not. You are accountable only to yourself (read: God). So, if you cheat, and fall back into your self-importance, your fear, your depression, your anger, nobody even knows! Or cares. Except you (read: God). We have a Teacher because we want to create ourselves, we are devoted to this intention. and we have seeked and we have found. But it is UP TO US.
You have to go out on the biggest limb of your life. For the rest of your life. Period. If you want your life.

Something interesting happened on the way to the...

Twice now I have been on this site, on different days, & have been "flipped into" the Real Magic Studies home page. So this time I looked further & ran across the beautiful writing on "Letting go of Attachement." How appropriately it states why we are here to do this work, how it will benefit us in the "real world" & why we shouldn't ponder all this too much. Just do the work & enjoy the life we are creating! What fun!

Thoughts on transforming fear & self importance

I wrote this a couple days ago but didn't get it posted...

As I see it, the human ego is becoming more & more polarized, as is the planet. We, the human ego, as a collective thought form, are creating a more & total separation from God. We are running frightened, scurrying around trying to fix & analyze everything that presents itself to us. We are supporting all the current wars & battles on the planet with our thoughts of dangerous others. They are not like us, they must be killed or they will kill us. This perpetual (ego) war will never be won until we are one. One mind, one soul, one belief in the goodness of all mankind. One transmuted ego.

We have the potential to be a peaceful, gentle ego living on a healthy, prosperous , as in creative, planet. Our planet is in trouble. We can change this by changing ourselves. Transforming ourselves into the whole & beautiful beings we were intended to be. Let us all walk, in simplicity toward a new planet, created by newly tranformed human egos. The simplicity of super conscious thought is what we need to move toward... thinking in a new way!!! Real Magic 101.

We define ourselves by our disease, our limitations. We see this as real, as truth, because we feel the pain of it. What if our joy, our beauty, our Grace was real! Can we feel the truth in that?

My self importance comes up so often at work, at least I see it more clearly in that setting. It can be so busy & chaotic. I respond with my usual, safe form of "self importance," which comes across as anger & irritation, yes, petulance. I think & suggest out loud that it might be fixed this way or that & it is often misinterpreted as judgment & criticism. I can see myself in these moments, in hindsight, as egocentric in the ego jungle at work. Instead, by practicing silence & simplicity, as suggested in a recent reading by our teacher, thank you Sylvia, I can be in Grace, where my spirit can soar in love & cooperation. As I transform myself, I transform the world, one person at a time.

another post from planet wrong..

Like Meridian, I am also a girl from planet Wrong. I found her comments very comforting, since I tend to be either completely hard-ass or completely disregarding. Here’s to balance and a ‘softer way of living’. Thanks Meridian!

***

Considering Sylvia's questions re: fear, self-importance, and ego:

At the pool the other day, a little girl was getting a swimming lesson. She didn’t want to get in the water and told the teacher there were sharks in the pool. Now, this girl knew there were no sharks in the pool. But her fear was real to her and she wasn’t ready to get in the water. Was she was coming from a place of ego and self-importance? Seems like a heavy rap, I mean, she’s just a kid, forfucksake! I would say the ego is causing a little emotional distortionJ! I thought of this when considering if the ego is necessary, since it’s ‘job’ is to preserve the physical body, and human beings are not born with the ability to swim. But many kids will jump in the water with no drama, so who knows.

I have a fear of deep water also, having come close to drowning a couple times as a child. For a long time, I believed this fear was real and was self-important in my avoidance of the water. “I hate swimming!” Now I have the wisdom to move through the fear, and enjoy swimming very much. I still feel the fear in my body as physical tension, but it’s let go a lot. So I have the wisdom, and the ego is only causing discomfort and is not of service to me in this.

In our RM work, we are releasing the ego and transitioning to a life guided by spirit. It seems that when all humans do this, maybe ego will no longer be necessary for survival on earth. Cool.

Self-importance (Meridian)

I was talking with Sylvia the other day about my concern that I would need to be careful or I would find my self in self-importance during a 10 day training that I am soon to be taking. She said to me, in a very matter-of-fact way, that I would no doubt find myself there - in self-importance - and, "What could I do?", she kindly asked. Powerpoint!

This simple reminder helps me remember that I am human - it is in my nature to make mistakes (such as being in self-importance), but it is also (now that I know about RM studies) in my nature to change my feelings about them. I am one of the "girls from planet Wrong." I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to control my thoughts, my actions, my emotions - all I have to do is powerpoint and move on. Beating myself up about being in ego, yet once again (!), is senseless. It is more important to love my humanness and not worry about not getting 'it' right all the time. When I recognize my self-importance, I can look upon it with patience and kindness, powerpoint it and let it go - a much softer way to live.

In response to Sylvia's most recent questions asking us if fear is self-important and don't we need our ego here on earth...? My new immediate response when I feel fearful is to go to my heart. My heart is real; my fear is the illusion. If I allow my heart to guide me, (and I'm beginning to think this feels like safety) then I no longer need to control my world and my fear dissipates. My ego begins to align itself with my Soul instead of my self-importance.

Current thoughts these days as I navigate through this crazy world!